ohayo gozaimasu

So I woke up this morning feeling completely alone, miserable, and like the entire world was big and intimidating and that I didn’t have a choice but to go out and take it all on.

Again. You’d think after months that I’d get used to it.

If there’s a problem, it means something needs to be changed to solve it. I can’t change the problem (high stress) or what’s leading up to it, outside circumstances not under my control etc, that’s just a practical view.

So what’s left, my perceiving of the situation and how I react to it? Yeah sure, maybe I’m just going about it the wrong way. I’ve tried so many times though, to be rational and take things on in tiny steps and keep calm and function and instead of thinking ‘this next week is going to suck balls’ and be like ‘yeah but i’m gonna come out on top of it’ instead.

Feels like tryharding though and it never makes me feel any better thinking about it differently. I can force it and function but the end result is emotional dissonance with the subconscious and that’s always a bundle of fun.

I hate going to sleep because it means the next moment of consciousness is going to be waking up and having to start the next day all over again. Even when there isn’t any school now, i’ve had to put up with some form of bullshit every single day without breaks for who the hell knows long now and it’s getting to the point where the hour or two up in my room before sleeping is literally the only chance I have to relax during the day.

until router drops but lul that’s another story

is it bad that I’ve thought a lot about suicide and how much I’d want to do it if I wasn’t smart enough to realize how much it doesn’t solve anything, hurts more people than I could ever imagine, selfish, etc?

or not even that but how much i’d like it if some unfortunate accident happened to put me out of commission for a few months

i really would, and that’s the scary thing

am I so pathetic to be wishing for a way out when I should just be strong and deal with all of this pitiful stress (pff, who gets emo over school. it’s just school. it should be easy.) and come out on top

…and there I go with the self hating again, dammit what happened to progress

No self, it’s a perfectly…normal human thing to react like this…

…like i’m ever going to believe that. How many times has someone said something to that effect to me and I haven’t believed it? Why can’t I stop holding myself to the same ridiculous inhuman impossible standards that got me here in the first place? Why do I have to be so fucking insane and crazy and whiny and GODDAMNIT I’M DOING IT AGAIN DLFKSHDFLKSDhf

can i just take tranquilizers or that medication that makes emotions go away

as much as i would miss the happy side of things at this point i just want to be able to function and stop having these breakdowns every day

it’s also really interesting how little effort i start putting into proper capitalization and sentence structure as these go on

you know that the only reason I haven’t given up yet is a lack of a proper socially acceptable alternative, right?