am I a weak person for needing reassurance?

I know the answer to that question is an overwhelming no, that everybody does and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. And yet, I want to ask only to hear it out of someone else’s mouth. I also want to use the word irony somewhere but everybody gets so mad nowadays if you misuse it that why bother.

Am I worried that if I stop being depressed, then the sympathy and coddling stops?

I shouldn’t need coddling on a daily basis and you’re weak for thinking so-

agh, self-hate again.

I’m not sure what to change, the parts of my personality that I hate, or the part that does the actual hating. I know the second part is overcritical and irrational and crazy but is it like that for a reason? when I think something like this idk anymore whether I’m right and just being too harsh on myself, or entirely wrong, which is another reason to ha-

NOPE STOP IT

but ideally people should just be able to live with the comfort that as long as they themselves think they are good people, than so be it

yeah, ideally.

it’d be lovely if that were the case but sads that I can’t seem to convince myself of that fact.

Shadow of doubt considering if I’m even worth trying to convince myself if I’m an okay person first or if I should keep working hard to become a better person.

No, let me correct myself, I’m not working. I’m just a disgusting person who can’t work on her goals (no I’m not, fuck off self. but it was the first thing that i typed so i’m not changing it now. and it did feel good to type and it really shouldn’t and that’s the scary thing.)

no, I can let up on myself. it’s not like I’m using the fact that I’m working as an excuse to just cling on to, it’s the honest truth. as for what i’m doing, i’m constantly looking for advice and support groups. not for leeching, but for some honest help. recognizing when I’m thinking unhealthily and stopping and reminding myself why doing so is wrong. i’m not just not giving a shit and doing whatever, I’m working which is something to be proud of.

should I be satisfied and use that as an excuse to blow off any more/future goals? hell no. but dear dear self, you’re not doing nothing either, so ease up, okay?

…I had to struggle not to apologize for potentially sounding like bragging in that last bit there.

old habits die hard, huh