fucking for fuckity fuckity fucking fuck’s fucking sake

I don’t know what to think. I want my parents to just man up, and admit that their marriage isn’t healthy or working out at all, and just fucking get a fucking divorce.

so me and my mom are talking about whether I should work or take the night off. i’m in favor of the latter, she isn’t.

dad takes my side and pretty much starts talking for me.

mom explains why she thinks I should work.

i listen and accept her reasoning to be valid, and change my mind.

dad

fucking

flips

out.

a bad temper is in the genes, this is established canon. but no, not at me, instead he just starts screaming at my mom, for [and I quote],”putting the wrong message in your kid’s head” or some bullshit like that.

she retaliates

he gets louder

this repeats while I stand there and do my waitressing prep work like a good girl.

they both go into the kitchen. continue fighting.eventually it gets to the point where I could still hear very distinctly what they were saying from the front door. from the complete opposite end of the building.

it is at this point that I faintly remember snapping, and was about to burst through the kitchen door and scream something at at the top of my lungs [told you it ran in the family] just to get them to stop. and lo and behold, first customer of the shift walks in at that exact moment, forcing me to instantly quell the rage, and repress it to the point where there is nothing left that’s not bubbly smiles and “Hi, may I take your order?”

whether it was for better or for worse, I don’t know. but it put everything to a halt.

wounds don’t go away if you leave them alone though, they only fester and infect and fill with pus.

just now, my mom came over and asked me to be nicer to my father. speak in a sugary tone. say things like, “you’re such a good cook” or “i’m happy you’re my dad.” she says he’s stupid and loses his temper a lot. she says he thinks he’s failed me as a dad and blames it on her.

now problem number 1

the mere thought of those sequential words leaving my mouth make me sick and want to light my face on fire.

2.

while I don’t deny that he’s stupid and loses his temper a lot, how the hell is me spewing praise that we both know I don’t mean going to help. don’t get me wrong, i am polite. i answer his questions, and usually take the route of silence instead of anything that might be considered disrespectful. but compliments only work if the person saying them is sincere, which I am not, and will probably never be.

three

he blames his failure as a parent on my mother.

i cannot forgive this.

while I do agree that he is pretty much one of the worst people I know in terms of parenting skills, it is not all of my mother’s fault, and assuming so is a cowardly, dick move.

my mother, while she lacks a bit in the nurturing department as well, has had no influence on how my father raised me. how I act and think now might be seen as a sign of failure on their end. but it was a team effort you sonofabastard

furthermore

the fact that my mother has been driven to the point of utter and total submission by the brute i am ashamed to share genes with is another reason why a divorce would be a bloody brilliant idea.

my father’s temper is literally driving whatever the closest thing to a family you can call us even further apart. my mother is afraid to say things. she regrets opening her mouth for fear that the beast will rage.

i know this, because she has let things slip out that were meant to be kept private. also because the same mindset plagues me on occasion as well.

i am so much luckier than my mother. she has to deal with this every day, for hours upon hours.

poor soul

why can’t they just split up, please

i know it won’t work out either way. the restaurant can’t be held up by one person alone.

but if they stay together then who knows how badly things will get

you know, i really was looking forward to breaking down earlier. I have no idea what the end result could have been, and it was probably a horrible idea from the start

but damn, it was going to feel nice.

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