HEY GUYS

WHAT’S UP

SKYRIM IS GREAT

LIFE IS GREAT

TOTALLY

ohayo gozaimasu

So I woke up this morning feeling completely alone, miserable, and like the entire world was big and intimidating and that I didn’t have a choice but to go out and take it all on.

Again. You’d think after months that I’d get used to it.

If there’s a problem, it means something needs to be changed to solve it. I can’t change the problem (high stress) or what’s leading up to it, outside circumstances not under my control etc, that’s just a practical view.

So what’s left, my perceiving of the situation and how I react to it? Yeah sure, maybe I’m just going about it the wrong way. I’ve tried so many times though, to be rational and take things on in tiny steps and keep calm and function and instead of thinking ‘this next week is going to suck balls’ and be like ‘yeah but i’m gonna come out on top of it’ instead.

Feels like tryharding though and it never makes me feel any better thinking about it differently. I can force it and function but the end result is emotional dissonance with the subconscious and that’s always a bundle of fun.

I hate going to sleep because it means the next moment of consciousness is going to be waking up and having to start the next day all over again. Even when there isn’t any school now, i’ve had to put up with some form of bullshit every single day without breaks for who the hell knows long now and it’s getting to the point where the hour or two up in my room before sleeping is literally the only chance I have to relax during the day.

until router drops but lul that’s another story

is it bad that I’ve thought a lot about suicide and how much I’d want to do it if I wasn’t smart enough to realize how much it doesn’t solve anything, hurts more people than I could ever imagine, selfish, etc?

or not even that but how much i’d like it if some unfortunate accident happened to put me out of commission for a few months

i really would, and that’s the scary thing

am I so pathetic to be wishing for a way out when I should just be strong and deal with all of this pitiful stress (pff, who gets emo over school. it’s just school. it should be easy.) and come out on top

…and there I go with the self hating again, dammit what happened to progress

No self, it’s a perfectly…normal human thing to react like this…

…like i’m ever going to believe that. How many times has someone said something to that effect to me and I haven’t believed it? Why can’t I stop holding myself to the same ridiculous inhuman impossible standards that got me here in the first place? Why do I have to be so fucking insane and crazy and whiny and GODDAMNIT I’M DOING IT AGAIN DLFKSHDFLKSDhf

can i just take tranquilizers or that medication that makes emotions go away

as much as i would miss the happy side of things at this point i just want to be able to function and stop having these breakdowns every day

it’s also really interesting how little effort i start putting into proper capitalization and sentence structure as these go on

you know that the only reason I haven’t given up yet is a lack of a proper socially acceptable alternative, right?

am I a weak person for needing reassurance?

I know the answer to that question is an overwhelming no, that everybody does and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. And yet, I want to ask only to hear it out of someone else’s mouth. I also want to use the word irony somewhere but everybody gets so mad nowadays if you misuse it that why bother.

Am I worried that if I stop being depressed, then the sympathy and coddling stops?

I shouldn’t need coddling on a daily basis and you’re weak for thinking so-

agh, self-hate again.

I’m not sure what to change, the parts of my personality that I hate, or the part that does the actual hating. I know the second part is overcritical and irrational and crazy but is it like that for a reason? when I think something like this idk anymore whether I’m right and just being too harsh on myself, or entirely wrong, which is another reason to ha-

NOPE STOP IT

but ideally people should just be able to live with the comfort that as long as they themselves think they are good people, than so be it

yeah, ideally.

it’d be lovely if that were the case but sads that I can’t seem to convince myself of that fact.

Shadow of doubt considering if I’m even worth trying to convince myself if I’m an okay person first or if I should keep working hard to become a better person.

No, let me correct myself, I’m not working. I’m just a disgusting person who can’t work on her goals (no I’m not, fuck off self. but it was the first thing that i typed so i’m not changing it now. and it did feel good to type and it really shouldn’t and that’s the scary thing.)

no, I can let up on myself. it’s not like I’m using the fact that I’m working as an excuse to just cling on to, it’s the honest truth. as for what i’m doing, i’m constantly looking for advice and support groups. not for leeching, but for some honest help. recognizing when I’m thinking unhealthily and stopping and reminding myself why doing so is wrong. i’m not just not giving a shit and doing whatever, I’m working which is something to be proud of.

should I be satisfied and use that as an excuse to blow off any more/future goals? hell no. but dear dear self, you’re not doing nothing either, so ease up, okay?

…I had to struggle not to apologize for potentially sounding like bragging in that last bit there.

old habits die hard, huh

I’m gonna write a thousand words every day, she says.

I’m gonna do it, she says.

Her self-confidence laughs and replaces her feelings of determination with crushing self-doubt and laziness.

Well, maybe…

fucking for fuckity fuckity fucking fuck’s fucking sake

I don’t know what to think. I want my parents to just man up, and admit that their marriage isn’t healthy or working out at all, and just fucking get a fucking divorce.

so me and my mom are talking about whether I should work or take the night off. i’m in favor of the latter, she isn’t.

dad takes my side and pretty much starts talking for me.

mom explains why she thinks I should work.

i listen and accept her reasoning to be valid, and change my mind.

dad

fucking

flips

out.

a bad temper is in the genes, this is established canon. but no, not at me, instead he just starts screaming at my mom, for [and I quote],”putting the wrong message in your kid’s head” or some bullshit like that.

she retaliates

he gets louder

this repeats while I stand there and do my waitressing prep work like a good girl.

they both go into the kitchen. continue fighting.eventually it gets to the point where I could still hear very distinctly what they were saying from the front door. from the complete opposite end of the building.

it is at this point that I faintly remember snapping, and was about to burst through the kitchen door and scream something at at the top of my lungs [told you it ran in the family] just to get them to stop. and lo and behold, first customer of the shift walks in at that exact moment, forcing me to instantly quell the rage, and repress it to the point where there is nothing left that’s not bubbly smiles and “Hi, may I take your order?”

whether it was for better or for worse, I don’t know. but it put everything to a halt.

wounds don’t go away if you leave them alone though, they only fester and infect and fill with pus.

just now, my mom came over and asked me to be nicer to my father. speak in a sugary tone. say things like, “you’re such a good cook” or “i’m happy you’re my dad.” she says he’s stupid and loses his temper a lot. she says he thinks he’s failed me as a dad and blames it on her.

now problem number 1

the mere thought of those sequential words leaving my mouth make me sick and want to light my face on fire.

2.

while I don’t deny that he’s stupid and loses his temper a lot, how the hell is me spewing praise that we both know I don’t mean going to help. don’t get me wrong, i am polite. i answer his questions, and usually take the route of silence instead of anything that might be considered disrespectful. but compliments only work if the person saying them is sincere, which I am not, and will probably never be.

three

he blames his failure as a parent on my mother.

i cannot forgive this.

while I do agree that he is pretty much one of the worst people I know in terms of parenting skills, it is not all of my mother’s fault, and assuming so is a cowardly, dick move.

my mother, while she lacks a bit in the nurturing department as well, has had no influence on how my father raised me. how I act and think now might be seen as a sign of failure on their end. but it was a team effort you sonofabastard

furthermore

the fact that my mother has been driven to the point of utter and total submission by the brute i am ashamed to share genes with is another reason why a divorce would be a bloody brilliant idea.

my father’s temper is literally driving whatever the closest thing to a family you can call us even further apart. my mother is afraid to say things. she regrets opening her mouth for fear that the beast will rage.

i know this, because she has let things slip out that were meant to be kept private. also because the same mindset plagues me on occasion as well.

i am so much luckier than my mother. she has to deal with this every day, for hours upon hours.

poor soul

why can’t they just split up, please

i know it won’t work out either way. the restaurant can’t be held up by one person alone.

but if they stay together then who knows how badly things will get

you know, i really was looking forward to breaking down earlier. I have no idea what the end result could have been, and it was probably a horrible idea from the start

but damn, it was going to feel nice.

m

cold

I listen to one slow mournful song.

And that prediction made in that last post gets set into motion.

This…feels, right. Not that it’s particularly enjoyable being filled with melancholy, but for once I feel like myself again.

Bad phrasing. More like, relief, or welcoming an old friend back.

It’s cold it’s so cold why the fuck is it so cold

I want nothing more at this point than to completely break down and cry. Lose all of the emotion and get it out so this doesn’t keep festering. God knows the last time i completely started sobbing, it’d be nice right about now. And maybe the “sads – repression – numb – flood – break down” cycle wouldn’t stop fucking continuing for once and we could actually get some goddamn work done.

Two options. Sad music playlist (rofl 2 songs) and get it over with or UNTZ and postpone the inevitable breakdown until bedtime.

And of course I had the finest in hardstyle club mixes queued up before that sentence was even typed out.

l

whelp

Today was a completely normal day.

And by completely normal, I mean “woke up, contemplated the meaning of life, went to school, did absolutely no thinking whatsoever, came home, wasted my life to computer games, and ended up here again.”

Well, maybe it wasn’t all bad.

I have optimistic hopes and feelings.

Just waitin’ for them to go down the drain.

Only a matter of time, kihihihihi

k

Really? We’re back to this again? Really?

I don’t want to be stuck with a diagnosis as a result of my own personal introspections.

But this is fucking bullshit.

—–

I walked away and came back.

The piano is a very theraputic instrument.

Fingers hit keys with cold precision, and just like that, we’re back to cold normalcy, with a pretty song to boot.

The wrists being sore as fuck afterwards are actually quite a nice side-effect. inb4 masochism, I just like knowing that I can still put forth enough effort into something to actually have a noticeable result. Not the most conventional, but hey the pain is bearable and I’m building endurance.

j

I don’t know how things happen, or who determines the natural course of things. However, what I do know is that things do get better, and what seems like a hopeless situation can easily transform into delicious respite in the end.

No chinese school today.

3 extra hours for productivity.

mood++

This is why I don’t give up, why giving up is a bad idea. I came pretty damn close, and to be honest, it’s terrifying.

But hey, as long as you make it out alive in the end.

i

“In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated or be prone to fits of rage in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly.”

actually

it’s techinically only been a few hours

so nothing counts

and this is just the result of being this age

right?

i’m not a freak

I feel …the words “perfectly fine” should be here but they don’t fit

like sleeping, that’s it